The Panera Manifesto
Posted on December 14, 2009I was hanging out at Panera the other day, chatting with a friend, when an interesting young woman in a hat handed out a handwritten page to everyone sitting in our corner of the restaurant and quickly left. Each page was laboriously hand-copied, word for word; at least five or six of these pages were made. I decided to scan in this “Panera Manifesto”, and make a transcript. Here you go:
Side A
F.Y.I. A Lady named Jessica Thinks.
Pets
need a spa
installed, immeadiately.
Nobody is having a very good time
on the Baggie Stroll.Scar tissue is a before issue of pain. BLOCKED NOW!
Ladies Clean yo pocket w/ Hydrogen peroxide.
Rinse 3X w/ H2O. Mom smells the lump
of fertility. Yes, life is good! [drawing of a face] All, wipe w/
Hydrogen peroxide splashes! (Just stay out of
yo bottom w/ it b/c it empties you out,
Continuously!)
bloodyDrunk means you need a spa bathroom.
CASH should be beautiful and scratch ‘n sniff
deliciousness, or else what’s the point of
going 2 to the new $25.00/hr. minimum wage get up, even if
housing is not more than
$100.00/mo. TOTAL, and autos are not more
than $900.00 TOTAL, and produce is not more
than $2.00/lb, and gas is not over $2.00/gal.?!Cancer is fancy for
Side B
“Ashtray please.”
Sugar juices you out, Salt absorbs H2O weight.
But smooth teeth and bones want H2O.FIRE is majic. Smoke is beautiful. Herbs smell good.
★sunlight ★bonfires ★B.B.Q.’s ★thunder ★
★and lighting ★woodburning stoves burning ★
★apple and cinnamon woods ★ smokes ★
★beautiful like animated leaves in air ★
★snowbreath ★ snow ★ fog ★ myst ★ rain ★ air ★
★ wind ★ pinesol scents ★ scents…The thought of something is not the EXperience of something
Memories
You can shape yo face w/ yo head in yo hands.
We are always growing beautifully. Posture
is yo Impression. Suck yo lips in for
BOOM out. Greasy hair is growing hair. Warm
H2O salt helps move oils along 2 ends. ★a★
★conditioner loaded combe helps w/ sleikienessM.S.G.
Thanks,
L. Low n Deñero
What does it all mean? I’m sure scholars will be debating it for years to come…
Losing It (NSFW)
Posted on April 13, 2007Tony and I knew it from the get go. This year’s WizCon was going to be the best ever. My mom pulled the van up to the Motel 6 where we got two rooms, one for me and Tony and one for her. I brought my Nintendo 64 and Tony got a case of Mountain Dew and six cans of Red Bull. We were gonna party hard all night long.
I’m Andy by the way, and now mom’s dropping us off at the con. Tony is looking totally awesome in his Kakashi Hatake costume. He bought a green parka and cut up a ski mask for the mask. I helped him gel up his hair a whole bunch too, so it’s awesome. Mom got her boyfriend Jim to let me borrow his army uniform so I can dress up as Duke from G.I. Joe. We walked around the con all day, it was so awesome.
But then it happened. We saw her and she was beautiful. She was dressed up as Cho Chang from Harry Potter, but a little heavier. Tony and I both had a thing for Asian chicks, so we totally played it cool as we went up to her. “Hey,” Tony said. “Hey, nice Naruto cosplay, I’m Missy,” came our sweet lady’s reply. “And you are…?”
“I’m Duke, from G.I. Joe,” I told her. “Oh, cool. So you guys want to hang out? The con’s about over.” “Sure, there’s a Perkins still open across the street from our motel.” That Tony, always the smooth one.
At the Perkins, I got eggs, and I bought our lady a big slice of pie. She ate it with gusto. Tony just had water, as he had spent all his money on a Card Captor Sakura DVD set in the original Japanese, and was saving his last bit of money for the condom machine in the Perkins bathroom. We had a good feeling about this girl.
The three of us walked across the street to the Motel 6, and after Tony and I checked in with mom we went to our room. Tony broke out the Red Bulls, we knew we were going to need all the energy we could get for what lay ahead. Missy joined us for a few races of Mario Kart 64. I tried to get them interested in a round of ECW Hardcore Revolution, but Tony and Missy decided to sit on the bed and watch instead. I played for a bit and after I beat Rob Van Dam I turned around to brag. Tony and Missy were making out pretty hot. “Cool,” I thought. “It’s about time we got really started.”
I climbed into the twin bed. It was a tough fit because Missy was kind of a big girl, and with me and Tony on either side I had to hang on. Tony was kissing on her neck really hard. She was all kinds of into it. I thought now was my chance, so I stuck my hand up her shirt. Feeling that bra was the best moment of my life so far. I gave her bra-covered tit a squeeze and I think she moaned. Or wheezed. It was so big my hand could barely hold it. Tony began unbuttoning her shirt while I tried to work out her bra. Eventually I got it off of her and we each took a big, floppy pancake breast into our hands. It was so hot, even though she had really little nipples, even smaller than Tony’s, which I had noticed since he had worked his shirt off too.
Tony had managed to lift her skirt up and was kissing her cold, hammy thighs. I was still working my magic on her breasts. I guess I wasn’t paying attention because when I reached down and started diddling around, it turned out that that was Tony’s pinky finger I was tickling. He jerked his hand away and called me a fag, and I was allowed into her hairy pleasure garden. After poking around her love center Tony told me to move my hand. He pulled the already unwrapped condom from his pocket and took off his pants. He was clearly ready to go.
Tony climbed on top of our sweet love mountain and proceeded to poke his hips around. I pushed my hand between them and massaged Missy’s fleshy piles. In trying to pinch her nipples as I often did to myself when I was alone and thinking of Lady J, I accidentally rubbed Tony’s chest. He must have liked it or something because he screamed out “Rasengan!” and rolled off of Missy. Finally, my chance!
“Are you ready for me, my sweet?” I asked Missy. “I, uh, gotta go, my grandmother doesn’t like it when I’m out late,” she replied. Tony let out a light snore. “Oh, well, maybe next time we’re in town…”
“I gotta go, it was nice meeting you Adam.” She hastily got dressed into her Hogwarts uniform and left. Tony was still naked in the bed so I had to sleep on the floor. And that was the night I lost my virginity….
