The Panera Manifesto
Posted on December 14, 2009I was hanging out at Panera the other day, chatting with a friend, when an interesting young woman in a hat handed out a handwritten page to everyone sitting in our corner of the restaurant and quickly left. Each page was laboriously hand-copied, word for word; at least five or six of these pages were made. I decided to scan in this “Panera Manifesto”, and make a transcript. Here you go:
Side A
F.Y.I. A Lady named Jessica Thinks.
Pets
need a spa
installed, immeadiately.
Nobody is having a very good time
on the Baggie Stroll.Scar tissue is a before issue of pain. BLOCKED NOW!
Ladies Clean yo pocket w/ Hydrogen peroxide.
Rinse 3X w/ H2O. Mom smells the lump
of fertility. Yes, life is good! [drawing of a face] All, wipe w/
Hydrogen peroxide splashes! (Just stay out of
yo bottom w/ it b/c it empties you out,
Continuously!)
bloodyDrunk means you need a spa bathroom.
CASH should be beautiful and scratch ‘n sniff
deliciousness, or else what’s the point of
going 2 to the new $25.00/hr. minimum wage get up, even if
housing is not more than
$100.00/mo. TOTAL, and autos are not more
than $900.00 TOTAL, and produce is not more
than $2.00/lb, and gas is not over $2.00/gal.?!Cancer is fancy for
Side B
“Ashtray please.”
Sugar juices you out, Salt absorbs H2O weight.
But smooth teeth and bones want H2O.FIRE is majic. Smoke is beautiful. Herbs smell good.
★sunlight ★bonfires ★B.B.Q.’s ★thunder ★
★and lighting ★woodburning stoves burning ★
★apple and cinnamon woods ★ smokes ★
★beautiful like animated leaves in air ★
★snowbreath ★ snow ★ fog ★ myst ★ rain ★ air ★
★ wind ★ pinesol scents ★ scents…The thought of something is not the EXperience of something
Memories
You can shape yo face w/ yo head in yo hands.
We are always growing beautifully. Posture
is yo Impression. Suck yo lips in for
BOOM out. Greasy hair is growing hair. Warm
H2O salt helps move oils along 2 ends. ★a★
★conditioner loaded combe helps w/ sleikienessM.S.G.
Thanks,
L. Low n Deñero
What does it all mean? I’m sure scholars will be debating it for years to come…
Douche Moments
Posted on August 31, 2008I was driving through the parking lot the other night, coming home from a long day at work, and I happen to see a pair of attractive girls getting out of their car, presumably also coming home from a long day somewhere. I am one who is often wont to listen to music while I drive, and at a loud volume, because that’s the way music should be listened to. (I am also one who is often wont to use words like “wont”, but that’s neither here nor there.) So I drive past, looking cool and such. I see them, they see me. And then it hits me.
Fuck. The song coming out of my iPod is ska. I hadn’t really been paying attention to what was playing, and now, instead of cool, I was the guy listening to ska. A ska cover song in fact. Ska-punk covers are the pinnacle of douchiness, and to be seen in public listening to such is a terrible thing. I shall be forced to wear a badge of shame for this terrible douche moment.
Filed Under Meta, Rants | 3 Comments
Pet Peeves
Posted on June 28, 2008I’m sure I’ve done this post before, and in a couple years I’ll probably damn well do it again, but there are things that bug me. And since I’m interminably locked in at work for the next seven hours. I have to fill my time with something, don’t I?
First of all, one thing that really bugs me is people that use songs as text message notifiers. It’s one thing to have to hear a shitty external mobile phone speaker blasting out a thirty second clip of “The Cupid Shuffle” or whatever your latest jam is whenever someone calls you. It’s an entirely different thing when it does that every time somebody sends you a text. If you, like the average teenager or twenty something, get 20 text messages a day (for some this may be a lot, but for a lot of people this may be low-balling it by quite a bit), that means your shitty music has been playing long enough to hear four to five full songs. A text message isn’t an opportunity to listen to some piece of shit song. All it should require is a simple chirp. That’s what my phone does, because I am a proper human being. One who doesn’t want to hear your crappy ringtone every three minutes.
Secondly, the word “definatly”. Or more appropriately, the non-word “definatly”, and its many and varied brothers, such as “definately”, “defanitely”, “defenatly”, and so forth. Not only can people not spell simple and common words, but I often find that people can’t even misspell them consistently. I’ve seen several instances of people using both “definately” and “definitaly” in the same paragraph. That’s a special kind of retarded.
Finally, Windows Installers that require a restart, but do not offer the option to shutdown. This is less and less of an annoyance for me, because I’ve pretty much all but abandoned Windows on any of my Macs. I don’t think I have a Windows VM on my MacBook, and I have no idea if I have one on the iMac. Who knows? But still, on the rare occasion when I do load into Windows, there’s always a hundred or so updates, bug fixes, and security updates to be installed. So I let it update, and meanwhile do what I need to do in Windows. And when I’m done, the updater says I have to restart. Okay, whatever. But there’s never an option to shut down. I’m done using Windows, I don’t want to restart, but since I’m not allowed, I have to reboot into Windows, wait for my Weatherbug and my Bonzai Buddy and Clippy and thirteen instant messengers to load up, just so I can hit Start -> Shut Down, because I didn’t want it open anyways. And usually there’s another update in the system tray, that just came out in the time it took for me to restart the VM. Annoying.
I’m done ranting now, I’m going to drink some warm milk and have a lie down.
Catharsis
Posted on March 2, 2008Okay, it’s confession time:
It’s a hard thing to admit to. But I have a problem. I cannot let fonts go. I’ve gone through my typeface collection many a time to clear out the cruft. But a lot of it I just can’t bring myself to delete. There’s always the thought, “But what if some time I’m working on a project, and I just need GM Londinium Ornaments or Celtic Lion AOE or even Hobo STD (quite possibly the worst name for a font ever). There’s going to be a time when I need something to look old western-y/medieval/mid 70’s retro and I just won’t have the right font. Of course, none of these times have ever really come up, but that doesn’t stop me from deleting them from my hard drive. Maybe I just have issues with letting go.
I read an interview with a designer once who said that when he first started out, he forced himself to only use a core set of about 10 or so type families. That way he would have no choice but to use those font faces for all they were worth to get what he needed out of them. Perhaps this is an experiment I need to try. But getting started, taking the first step, that is what I can’t do. Perhaps some day, but not now…
Filed Under Design, Rants | Leave a Comment
I Desperately Need to Leave this State
Posted on October 3, 2007Usually when I read the opinion page of the Lincoln Turco Star (thanks Mr. T) I get all riled up by the usual cavalcade of idiots that write in to the letters section. However, today’s letter’s page has me furious. Quick summation of what happened: Maria Rosario Moreno, a hispanic immigrant, was found by police, brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend. The police had already had the ex-boyfriend in custody when the body was found. The Lincoln Journal Star ran the story in English on the front page last Tuesday, and in Spanish inside the paper. It was decided to run in Spanish as a courtesy to the Spanish speaking population, being as the story was of importance to them, and also to clear up any of the rumors that were going around in the community. When I saw the article in Spanish, my thought was, “I bet some people won’t like that.” How unfortunate that I was right.
I want to say first that I am all for equal treatment for everyone. I am also proud to be an American, and I am not happy about a Sept. 28 Lincoln Journal Star article being repeated in a foreign language. I don’t care what language.
If you want to live in America and be an American, learn the language. The language of America is English.
We are leaning over so far backward to please other nationalities that we are forgetting who we are. There have been calls to have the national anthem sung in Spanish.
It is required in some states that some teachers be bilingual and teach in both English and Spanish. I do not believe that if you go to Mexico they will do the same for you. You would have to buy an English newspaper and send your children to an English-speaking private school.
It is high time that we reclaim our country. We are Americans, and we speak English.
Marguerite H. Lehr
I don’t know if it was a mistake that could have possibly gotten through all the editors and page layout people, but on page 7B of the Sept. 28 Lincoln Journal Star, there was an entire article written in Spanish.
I do not appreciate paying for a paper that I can’t read … and if you wish to continue to publish articles in a language other than English, I will be discontinuing my subscription and wanting a refund for what I have already prepaid for the year.
I do not live in Mexico, Guatemala or any other Latino country; I live in the United States of America and did not sign up for a Spanish newspaper. I speak a foreign language (German), but I don’t want a newspaper written in German, either. … I paid for English, and I want an English-written paper.
Teresa A. Liesemeyer
Really? This is that much of a big fucking deal to you people? God forbid the newspaper try to disseminate information who maybe cared about the victim. Maybe some of her friends and family would like to know what happened to a women that was well-liked by her neighbors and co-workers. Maybe you could take a moment of your day, Mmes Lehr and Liesemeyer, to find some fucking compassion in your hearts for a community that has been hit by a tragic death. Maybe if you weren’t so wrapped up in your little bullshit “The spics are coming!” rhetoric, you would notice where your outrage should lie.
I want to write more, about how the letter writers are wrong, how they are ignorant, how their blatant lack of compassion or tact and their undercurrents of racism are an ugly stain on a city that I generally write, but unfortunately I’m far too pissed off about this to put words together with some strain of coherence, so I’ll leave it where it’s at, and hope that the number of people here that are in disagreement with the letter writers far outnumber those who feel the same as Teresa and Marguerite.
Filed Under Nebraska, Rants | 2 Comments
I’m in Debt Nearly $6,000!
Posted on April 24, 2007But the good news is I got a new car out of the deal. Well, new to me. I am a new owner of an immaculately cared for 2001 Ford Taurus. I know, it’s a Taurus. It’s a family car, and I’m not a family man. But another thing I am not is a man of means, and so I can’t be too choosy. Especially with how nice this car actually is. The body and paint is flawless, as is the interior, and even the engine compartment is really clean. It took me a solid six and a half hours of dealing with the dealership, driving to my apartment to pick up some paperwork, returning to the dealership, driving to the bank, driving back to the dealership, back to the bank, and then to the dealership again. It was a lot of work. But I have a new car.
Some talking points on the new car:
- It’s very clean and nice. And it’s not as bad as the bubble phase the Taurus went through in the late nineties.
- The engine doesn’t knock loudly. The turn signal and brake lights work. The check engine light isn’t always on (or on at all). The 3.5l V6 gets much better mileage than the old and busted 4.6l V8 (though doesn’t have the same power. And the transmission doesn’t burble.
- Must dealerships put their badge on the back of my car? I spent twenty minutes trying to peel that thing off without taking off paint, so far no luck.
- Gear shifter on the steering column. That’s too old-ladyish for me.
- Speakers sound great. I just bought some 5×7s for the Cougar a month ago, I need to research if they’ll fit in the Taurus.
- It has a tape deck. Seriously, in this day and age, with MP3s and iPods and whatnot, Ford thinks it’s okay to put a tape deck in standard? Most places you have to pay extra to put in a tape deck I think. They’re just lucky I was able to get a clean sounding Belkin tape adapter for my iPod. And what the hell is the deal with the combined stereo controls/environmental controls? Can’t they just use the standard-size stereo unit that every frickin’ body else has used for years now? C’mon Ford.
- Huge-ass trunk. I’ve got my golf clubs in it comfortably, a couple dead hookers, and all my junk I hastily pulled out of the Cougar. Yes, I get a new car, and I still have to spend an hour tomorrow cleaning it out.
- I hate having to deal with dealers and car salesmen. Yes, I know you’re going to bone me, can’t we just keep the boning to a minimum without having to do the whole stupid “Well I’m going to talk to my manager now, I know he won’t like it, but I’ll fight him” thing. I know your full of shit, so let’s just skip that.
- The color is awesome. A deep blue that almost looks a bit purple-ish in the sun, with a metal flake. I dig it.
- That’s all I got.
- Pictures tomorrow.
Filed Under Automobiles, Hurray!, Meta, Rants | 4 Comments
Dear Major News Networks:
Posted on February 11, 2007Please ignore the internets. Ah yes, I remember a few years ago, when you did ignore blogs and stuff on the internet. And you shouldn’t necessarily done so, there is important stuff that happens on the web. However, some time last year you started taking notice. First it was stuff like how organizations like Moveon.org could mobilize voters, or how predators were using MySpace. But then you started noticing the less important things. It began with well enough intentions, when CNN had two hip young girls as “blog analysts”, i.e., they would check Daily Kos or Little Green Footballs whenever Wolf Blitzer needed a piss break. But then it expanded.
The flood really began when Time magazine chose “You” as the person of the year. Then all of a sudden MSNBC (arguably the worst offender, perhaps in a ham-fisted attempt to draw in younger viewers) is covering popular search terms of the day. There’s a segment for viral videos (which, oddly enough, I never see other than on tv.) You’re showing YouTube clips. Great idea guys! Let’s take a jerky, pixellated, crappy .flv file and blow it up for the tv! So people can watch this lady with a funny hat fall on a cake.
My favorite offense, coming from MSNBC again, is covering stories about websites. I watched a story about Facebook, and for the graphic you showed a page of search results. With all the pictures and personal information mosaic’d out so as not to show anything revealing. Which means we have a white page with some blurs, some generic text, and more blurs. Genius news coverage, both boring and uninformational.
So news organizations, leave the internet alone unless it’s something really important. No viral videos please, no blog posts please, and I don’t really give a shit what some group of mouthbreathers typed into a searchbox on MSN.com. That is all.
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Announcement:
Posted on January 30, 2007I am officially not giving a shit about Windows Vista. That is all.
Filed Under King of Internets, Open Letters, Rants, Tech | 4 Comments
Forecast for December: Unseasonably Asshole-ish in Lincoln
Posted on December 18, 2006Now that my local newspaper has overhauled their website and is offering RSS feeds (through the back door [I mostly wanted to give Bernie some google juice for the phrase "back door", heh heh]), I’ve actually been keeping up with local news. (City Council meeting tonight, y’all heading out?) And today, I noticed, a local soup kitchen for the homeless was robbed. A week before Christmas? That’s ice-bitch-cold. But, it’s not the only one. This December there’s been a rash of stealing from places you’re not supposed to steal from. So far, just in the past few weeks, burglars have struck a couple of churches (including one church twice), three or four schools, a shelter, and now the soup kitchen. Fuckers. Now I’m angry, and have been put off my pancakes. This will not stand!
There Oughtta Be a Law
Posted on November 26, 2006I was in the mall parking lot today. Not on purpose mind you, it was just a shortcut. I’m going down an aisle, almost to the end, when there’s four cars stopped in the middle of the row. It’s someone at the front of the line waiting for a spot to open up. A normal person would only wait if they knew that the car was leaving soon. However, this person apparently was just stopped and waiting to see if anyone would approach a random car, because we were there waiting for a godawful long time. The rule is, you can only wait for a parking spot if the whites of the car’s backing up lights are shining. Otherwise, your just in the way. You are the coldest bitchiest bitch that ever cold-bitched a bitch. So just move out of the way, so I can get to where I’m going.
