jWiltshire.org » Humour

Tweets of the Week

jWiltshire — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 19:05:59 +0000

Just a few of the best toots from my Twitter this past week.

“The one thing that keeps me editing all this .asp and dreamweaver code is, it’s either this or go clean the toilets. Not sure which is worse”
“Lie I almost told the perky young girl working the drive thru at Amigos: That I was the bass player in Collective Soul.”
“Poking around random Chinese servers I found via Google. Hmm yase this seems like a good idea.”
“I wish we had drunken sarariman here in the states. Why must you keep your best inventions to yourself, Japan?”

Dude

jWiltshire — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 06:19:25 +0000

I decided to visit the nearby Burger King tonight, for a little late night nosh. So I order my Italian chicken sandwich, because for a basic BK thing they’re not bad, and pull around to the window. There I discovered, much to my surprise, the girl working the drive thru was rather cute. Normally, the people working at that particular location are pushing a quarter ton each. No seriously. Let’s do a little experiment. Reach out your arms straight in front of you, zombie style. Now imagine your stomach reaching out to your elbow. That’s what these people are. But anyways, not this one. She was actually attractive. And wearing a halloween costume.

A gothic angel sort of affair I’m assuming. Dark makeup, frilly black dress, and black wings on her back. Very cute. But here’s the thing. Clearly she didn’t plan ahead with this costume. The drive thru window has a long shelf between where the worker stands and the window. So to hand me change, a drink, or food, she has to bend down pretty far to reach. And her frilly black dress was fairly low cut.

Herein lies the problem. Drive thru windows sit pretty high up, and my car sits relatively low. So for her to hand me things, unless I look away completely, I’m pretty much staring straight down her cleavage. This presents an issue. I’m just a hungry guy, I don’t want to appear as a creep. But my only options are a) stare at her breasts, b) look in the opposite direction as she hands me things, and fumble around trying to grab them, or c) hold my hand up to shield my eyes from her bosom, like I’m trying to block the sun out of the sky. Not much in the way of choices there. What else can one do in that situation?

Maybe It Was a Titmouse

jWiltshire — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:43:25 +0000

Me: Any way, for some reason, our IT provider is our DNS instead of Verio, which is our host and domain registrar.
DB: Ahhhhh.
Me: So while Verio’s shit is pointing to the new IP address (which I still don’t know why they changed it), dns.bizco is pointing at the old address.
word
Me: So I have to call Bizco tomorrow, ask them to kabooble their DNS kerjigger, or whatever they do, and i’m sure we’ll get charged $200 for them to do it.
Me: Pretty sure that’s an O’Reilly’s book.
DB: lol
Me: “Kaboobling DNS Kerjiggers”
Me: It’s got an owl on teh cover.

Christianforums.com Pt. 2

jWiltshire — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 20:20:07 +0000

Last week, I wrote up some excellent thread posts from Mychristianforums.com. But one post was not enough to contain the awesomeness therein. So here’s some more for you.

This is a question that I hope to never have to ask myself. Ever. Are her parents taking out their sexual frustration on her? Is Jesus taking their sexual frustration out on her? The world may never know…

“Dear lord please help me I masturbated while thinking about Jeff’s Sailor Moon t-shirt last night what do I do what do I do I don’t want to go to hell”

Pedophile found! Pedophile Found!

Yet another onanist. They have a whole forum devoted to masturbation there…

Yeah man, you Americans, I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with showering with my sister. It’s not like it makes me gay or anything. I mean, I’ve slept naked with my brother, but it’s not like our wangs touched. Much. You Americans, so weird.

What the fuck? Where do you go to school that people molest you for being Christian? Oh wait…

Yeop. That’s pretty disgusting. I was surprised I didn’t see ljb201008 fapping away in this thread. One poster suggested masturbation before going to bed, but only for therapeutic purposes, and completely without lust in mind. These guys, it’s always “don’t masturbate, do masturbate” I just don’t know what to do.

Welp, that’s all I got from these guys. Though I’m sure there’s plenty more to be found beyond just the cursory glance I took. Be sure to pay them a visit yourself.

Christianforums.com Pt. 1

jWiltshire — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:20:06 +0000

There’s been a website going around that I don’t feel like digging up, a list of quotes from various Christian websites that are all very ignorant statements about science, evolution, and other religions. The link had gone around a year or so ago and like most things on the internet (and in particular, Boing Boing and Digg) it got dredged up again for another go around. I poked around some of the linked sites, and found in many cases, those statements are often taken out of context (meant ironically or sarcastically), or if the poster is sincere, are usually shouted down by more reasonable people. In fact, I found plenty of reasonable people on those forums. However, this post isn’t about them. Reasonable people aren’t funny. This post is about the ignorant, the confused, and the just plain stupid. ‘Cuz they are funny. And I think we’ll be off to a good start with

Somebody has a lot to learn about the world, and anal sex in particular. wpiman2 might have to learn the hard way.

I really want to believe that this is a fakepost, but as far as I can tell, it isn’t. I suppose beating it would work to fight off sexual urges though…

How one can be confused on this issue is beyond me. It’s like asking do I like jelly? I don’t think I do… The republican elephant next to the avatar, along with all the crosses leads me to believe they might not be…

God bless us, and God bless Mr. Mister. And I always thought “Relax” was about gay sex. I might have to consult with wpiman2 on this one.

What The Fuck: An play in 2 acts

These posts are clearly the work of a duo of madmen…

I was wondering how long it would take for racists to make an appearance. I like the 19th century imperialist view of other countries. I imagine him in an all khaki suit with a safari hat, monocle, and holding an elephant gun while posting at his computer.

I’ll have more of these next week, so check back then. And thanks to Plasq’s awesome Skitch for making the screenshots. It’s now in public beta, hooray!