Dude

Posted on November 1, 2008

I decided to visit the nearby Burger King tonight, for a little late night nosh. So I order my Italian chicken sandwich, because for a basic BK thing they’re not bad, and pull around to the window. There I discovered, much to my surprise, the girl working the drive thru was rather cute. Normally, the people working at that particular location are pushing a quarter ton each. No seriously. Let’s do a little experiment. Reach out your arms straight in front of you, zombie style. Now imagine your stomach reaching out to your elbow. That’s what these people are. But anyways, not this one. She was actually attractive. And wearing a halloween costume.

A gothic angel sort of affair I’m assuming. Dark makeup, frilly black dress, and black wings on her back. Very cute. But here’s the thing. Clearly she didn’t plan ahead with this costume. The drive thru window has a long shelf between where the worker stands and the window. So to hand me change, a drink, or food, she has to bend down pretty far to reach. And her frilly black dress was fairly low cut.

Herein lies the problem. Drive thru windows sit pretty high up, and my car sits relatively low. So for her to hand me things, unless I look away completely, I’m pretty much staring straight down her cleavage. This presents an issue. I’m just a hungry guy, I don’t want to appear as a creep. But my only options are a) stare at her breasts, b) look in the opposite direction as she hands me things, and fumble around trying to grab them, or c) hold my hand up to shield my eyes from her bosom, like I’m trying to block the sun out of the sky. Not much in the way of choices there. What else can one do in that situation?

Maybe It Was a Titmouse

Posted on September 15, 2008

Me: Any way, for some reason, our IT provider is our DNS instead of Verio, which is our host and domain registrar.
DB: Ahhhhh.
Me: So while Verio’s shit is pointing to the new IP address (which I still don’t know why they changed it), dns.bizco is pointing at the old address.
word
Me: So I have to call Bizco tomorrow, ask them to kabooble their DNS kerjigger, or whatever they do, and i’m sure we’ll get charged $200 for them to do it.
Me: Pretty sure that’s an O’Reilly’s book.
DB: lol
Me: “Kaboobling DNS Kerjiggers”
Me: It’s got an owl on teh cover.

Christianforums.com Pt. 2

Posted on January 23, 2008

Last week, I wrote up some excellent thread posts from Mychristianforums.com. But one post was not enough to contain the awesomeness therein. So here’s some more for you.

This is a question that I hope to never have to ask myself. Ever. Are her parents taking out their sexual frustration on her? Is Jesus taking their sexual frustration out on her? The world may never know…

“Dear lord please help me I masturbated while thinking about Jeff’s Sailor Moon t-shirt last night what do I do what do I do I don’t want to go to hell”
Read more

Christianforums.com Pt. 1

Posted on January 18, 2008

There’s been a website going around that I don’t feel like digging up, a list of quotes from various Christian websites that are all very ignorant statements about science, evolution, and other religions. The link had gone around a year or so ago and like most things on the internet (and in particular, Boing Boing and Digg) it got dredged up again for another go around. I poked around some of the linked sites, and found in many cases, those statements are often taken out of context (meant ironically or sarcastically), or if the poster is sincere, are usually shouted down by more reasonable people. In fact, I found plenty of reasonable people on those forums. However, this post isn’t about them. Reasonable people aren’t funny. This post is about the ignorant, the confused, and the just plain stupid. ‘Cuz they are funny. And I think we’ll be off to a good start with

Somebody has a lot to learn about the world, and anal sex in particular. wpiman2 might have to learn the hard way.

I really want to believe that this is a fakepost, but as far as I can tell, it isn’t. I suppose beating it would work to fight off sexual urges though…
Read more

Better Makeout Music: Roxy Music vs. Uriah Heep

Posted on January 8, 2008

A question presents itself. What is better to make out to? The suave and smooth ’80s hit from Roxy Music, “More than This” or, the heavy and humble hard rocking “Gypsy” by Uriah Heep? After some scientific experimentation, I think I’ve come up with a fair comparison.

Romance

Lyrically, “Gypsy” is very romantic. “I was out for quite a time / Came back with her on my mind / Sweet little girl / She means all the world”, it’s the tale of a young man who falls in love with a gypsy girl but is unable to convince her father that he is worthy. She is torn between obeying her father and going with the man she loves. He is going to prove to the father that he can be the right kind of man. Very romantic stuff indeed.

“More than This” is a little more opaque in its meaning. However, lines like “It was fun for a while / There was no way of knowing / Like dream in the night / Who can say where we´re going” speak of a love that has passed. The relationship is coming to an end, that it’s not what it used to be.

Advantage: Uriah Heep

Rhythm

“Gypsy” is pounding, driving, thrusting, hard. Great for fucking, yes. However, the down and dirty 8th note organ stabs do not do well for soft love. This is music for making love the back of a ‘79 Ranchero. “More than This”, on the other hand, is smooth, soft, it gently caresses you. Even the smooth backbeat of the drums are mellow, saying “it’s okay baby, I just want to love you responsibly”. The airy synths and almost ethereal vocals are okay with taking it slow and waiting for when you’re ready.

Advantage: Roxy Music

Lead Singer

Everybody knows that a band’s success can live or die based on its frontman. That’s what gets the girls going crazy, the sexy man on stage. And, well, I think this chart says it all:

The Heep’s David Byron, shown on the left, is, well, poodle-haired and bewildered-looking. And this photo is of his good side. Not the best looking man. Whereas Roxy Music’s Bryan Ferry, on the right, is suave. The ladies surely like him. Who wouldn’t?

Advantage: Roxy Music.

Judgement

I think, with a score of 2 to 1, I have no choice but to give it to Roxy Music. “More than This” is for sure the best track to have makeouts with pretty ladies to. So remember that next time you’re putting together your mixtape. Science says so.

The Apple Store Review Revue

Posted on January 1, 2008

Apparently, Mac users will write reviews for just about anything sold to them. I think that’s an overall trend of the internet, and I may just expand this to other sites later on, but we’ll start with the Apple Online Store. I love these things ‘cuz I know it sends DB into a frothing rage matched only by Khan Noonien Singh in Star Trek II.

I was surprised to find out that Monster makes a cassette adapter. Even better is the fact that it’s very poorly made and is very vulnerable to EM interference. Here’s a common review for the Monster iCar Cassette Adapter.

Do not waste your money!
I do not have a newer auto that comes equipped with the superior in-car jack for audio function for MP-3 players, iPods, etc. So I went to the Apple Store and they recommended this item. It does not work! Completely jammed my car’s cassette player. Now I cannot eject it from the mechanism. So now I have to take the car in to the dealership and have them figure out how to gain access to the cassette player and rip that puppy out of there.

Stay away from this product!!

I have a feeing that this dumbass has a cassette player that is incompatible with adapters, and that’s why it got stuck. Kind of like those people that stick Mini-DVDs in slot-load drives.

How about reviews for a 2Gb SD card?

i accidently ran my memorycard in my laundry machine and in the dryer! when i found it why i was folding my clothes i freaked out because i was worried it hadn’t saved my pictures and videos, but when i put it in my camera about a month ago i worked! i’ve had it for the entire summer now and even now it still works as if i bought it yesterday!

This one was just funny to me. Whether it’s true or not, I hope lots of people test this.

Surely nobody would review a surge projector, right?

I love this little thing, it works great! Easy to use…
(28 of 34 people found this review useful)

Good. They were able to figure out how to plug it into the wall, and how to plug other things into it. Some of those things are hard to figure out.

Here are some reviews for a 6 ft. Belkin USB cable.

Trouble-free cable keeps the data humming. Apple delivered within 24 hours. A solid value from an efficient supplier.

the usb helped me save alot of money it saved me to buy a new printer u should get it if u lost your usb cald on your printer it saved me!!!!!!!!!!!!
(25 of 50 people found this review useful)

That last one is my favorite. Not only is it absolute nonsense, not only did this person think that they would have to buy a new printer because they lost the USB cable, not only do they miss the fact that when you buy a new printer, it doesn’t come with a USB cable, but 25 people found this review to be useful. That’s just awesome. People reviewed the review.

The Christmas Posting Continues…

Posted on December 25, 2007

This was too brilliant not to share. Color me impressed.

Guest Column: The Olde Country Buffet Doth Offend Me

Posted on December 15, 2007

Guest Columnist Erasmus Ravenworth — Oh woe betides! A thousand hexes ‘pon the Olde Country Buffet, for they have truly offended this dark writer. They will come to rue the day they have crossed Erasmus Ravenworth of the damned!

I was dining there one dark eve a fortnight ago with my lady love, Mistress Magdalene Beau Ravensclaw, when they did turn us out before we did finish our sup. We had arrived that dreary night not more than eight hours past the noon, an adequate time for feasting before a night of witching, and the wretched hostess dared say that the buffet closed within the half hour! We did walk past the salad bar with haste, stopping only for chocolate mousse and bananas in Jell-O, and went forth to the wonders of the entree buffet before us.

Alas the miserable serfs of the establishment had already removed the roast from the buffet for the evening! My lady love had been truly looking forward to dining upon carved roast beef, to feel the gravy run down her throat as would the blood of an innocent. She did gnash and beat her breast in anguish, and settle for the hearty lasagna. The chocolate mousse did touch my lady love’s baked potato, causing her more anguish. Why ye demons cannot the buffet have compartmented plates for the true dining enthusiast!? I must confess though, we did dine upon many fried legs of chicken with gusto. And I did savor truly the meatloaf after reciting an incantation honoring the beast that did give its lifeblood for our sup.

I did let out a virile complaint ‘pon discovering that they were bereft of Diet Dr Pepper. I was made to quaff my thirst with orange soda. Fear the day that I shall happen upon you, manager Ted Ralston! Fear it well. Lament the fact that your soft serve machine was b’witched and could only produce vanilla. Mistress Magdalene despises vanilla, and will only top her brownie with chocolate. I did hear no end to her vitriol that night, for her dinner was to be ruined by a poxy dessert of more bananas in Jell-O.

Once great though you were, Olde Country Buffet, ye have fallen from my graces. May my dark soul never cross through your cursed doors again I say!

Guest Column: Steve is Looking out for Steve

Posted on November 24, 2007

Guest columnist Steve Whitaker — World look out, because the world isn’t looking out for you. That’s why Steve is looking out for Steve. That’s right, it’s a brand new Steve and I’m unleashed.

What prompted this change, you might ask. Well I’ll tell you what. Jeff Michelson’s sister, that’s who. Jeff is a senior at my school, and he’s a real fag. He’s always slapping me on the back real hard and calling me Wussaker and reminding me that my mom is hot. Not that I’ve looked. I mean I saw her coming out of the shower once when I was fourteen and I was all “Mom! I’m playing Grand Theft Auto 2, quit walking around naked!” Mom totally knows who’s really in charge of the house. Anyways, one day, Jeff Michelson beat me up after school one day. It was nothing serious, like I have a bunch of bruises and stuff, and my mom thinks I cracked a rib, but whatevs, I’m 17 now which makes me totally a man, so I just take it.

Anyways, his sister, who is a freshman, saw what happened and totally felt bad for me. She invited me over and gave me some Five Alive, then we went up to her room. She’s kind of chunky, but you know, the Steve sometimes likes them that way. We were sitting on her bed, drinking Five Alive and watching My Super Sweet 16, when all of a sudden she took her retainer out and kissed me. I was confused, but Steve is cool and confident, so I put my tongue in her mouth. After a couple of minutes of this I put my hand up her sweater. That’s right, I totally felt a boob. I think she liked this so I reached around to undo her bra. I couldn’t quite reach around her so I had to move a little. And that’s when I found out, bras are hard man! I kept pulling at the clips but I couldn’t get it. Then she heard the garage door opening which meant her mom was home. I had to sneak out the window and run home.

The old Steve was a loser, always getting pushed around. But not the new Steve. Oh no. The new Steve is ready for anything. The new Steve has felt a boob. And when Jeff sees me at school tomorrow, I’m going to tell him. “You might think you can just push me around whenever, but you know what, I’ve felt your sister’s boob. And you hitting me can’t change that.” We’ll see how he likes that!

It’s Amazing

Posted on November 15, 2007

It’s amazing the things people are willing to do on the internet for the world to see. I just saw a fat chick get fucked live on Stickam, and immediately after ‘maxing, her lover invites his brother into the room to play Magic The Gathering off camera. If they weren’t so convincingly trashy, I would thing it was high performance art. ¡Qué Romántico! I love the internet sometimes.

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