Area Woman’s Facebook Profile Reveals Disappointing Taste in Music, Movies

Posted on July 26, 2007

Austin TX — After months of internet stalking co-worker Jessica Lanford, area librarian Dave Roday was first elated then disappointed when he finally was friended by Lanford on social networking website Facebook.com. “I’ve been avoiding adding her on Facebook because I just didn’t want to seem creepy or too forward or anything. I mean we talked a few times a week at work and stuff and I thought she was cute and all. But I didn’t want to cross that line and mess stuff up.” Despite the fact that Lanford’s profile wasn’t visible to Roday, he checked twice weekly to see if her thumbnail photo had changed. Roday assumed his luck had changed for the better when checking his email Tuesday, he saw a notification that he had a friend request from Lanford. Quickly logging in to the website, popular among teens and young adults, and confirming their friendship, he checked his co-worker’s profile.

However, his mood quickly darkened upon seeing her interests section. A scan of Lanford’s favorite movies revealed a strong liking for teen comedies. “I thought she seemed cool, I mean, she seemed pretty smart and all. I was thinking of inviting her over to my apartment to watch some Goddard films, but I guess I’d be better off with Mean Girls,” the disappointed librarian had to say. “When I saw her favorite bands, it was even worse. Dave Matthews, Coldplay, Creed, and I think I even saw My Chemical Romance. Man, I guess I really read her wrong.” Roday was overheard telling his roommate that despite his major disappointment, he might “still try to hook up with her once or twice.”

A later discovery found that Lanford had joined a Facebook group supporting a Republican candidate for governor. Roday refused to comment on the development.

Area Man Cockblocked by Intended Target’s Own Boring Stories

Posted on April 29, 2006

Local unemployed man James Brennan was fully intending to have sexual congress with area copywriter Amanda Wilson when her own banal stories about what she bought last week while shopping and failed attempts at flirting had bored Brennan so outright that he gave up on any chance of intercourse.

Brennan was sitting at the bar at Happy Jack’s, a favorite hangout of his when he noticed Wilson. He offered to buy her a drink, hoping that after a few more he would be able to sway her into returning back to his nearby apartment for drunken intercourse. After chatting with Wilson for a while, Brennan thought that the opportunity was approaching, and he was about to make his move when Wilson said “Oh my god! You’ll never guess what I bought at Fashion Bug today!” Brennan knew he was in it for a while. “By now I had already invested three drinks in her and figured I’ve gone this far, I may as well hold out.”

However, by the fifth drink, Wilson was describing her experience in the bar the previous night when she tried to pick up a guy but he was totally, like involved in the football game on one of the bar’s many big screen televisions, Brennan realized that his attempts were futile. He gave a poor attempt at claiming that he had a meeting in the morning, and shuffled out dejected.

Wilson was seen leaving the on-duty bartender’s apartment the next morning.

Apple Rumours

Posted on February 26, 2006

Since Apple rumours are going off the charts for the special event on Tuesday, including: the video iPod, Intel Mac mini, iSight-sportin’ 13-inch widescreen MacBook, Media Cube, “touch finger LCDs,” 17-inch MacBook Pro, Mac tablet and a hi-fi iPod boombox, I figured I’d add to it. I heard that come Tuesday, Steve is going to definitely definitely definitely announce a 256 Mb iPod Shuffle. It will retail for the bargain basement price of $39. That’s it. All that’s coming. Maybe an update for the Airport base station too. But nothin’ else.

Bush Nominates Michael Brown to the Supreme Court

Posted on October 29, 2005

Washington-In a move that stunned both the left and the right, President George W. Bush named former FEMA director Michael “Brownie” Brown to the SCOTUS. Brown, who resigned after much controversy over his handling of hurricane Katrina federal response, will face a tough lot of critics to be appointed. President Bush had this to say: “Brownie has the right stuff to be on the Supreme Court. I know he may not have any judicial experience in the traditional sense, but as citycouncilman for Edmond Oklahoma and the stuff he did with that horse club, I know that Brownie will do a heck of a job deciding on court stuff.” Democratic Representative Nancy Pelosi immediately resigned in shock at the audacity of Mr Bush’s “blatant cronyism, all over again.”

Girl Posing on Pornographic Website Poses In Front of Nerdy DVD Collection

Posted on October 9, 2005

Omaha NE — While masturbating last Thursday, college student Joseph Grozkia noticed that the particular model he was pleasuring himself to was standing in front of the nerdiest DVD collection ever. “I understand that they have to dress up sets to get you into the scene, but this was a bit much. I’ve seen the girls on the houseboat, and you think to yourself ‘Yea, doin’ it on a houseboat. Alright.’ Or sometimes there a couple of guitars in the background, and chicks that play guitar are hot. But this was just too much. She was standing, naked, which was cool, she was standing in front of box sets for X-Files, 24, South Park, Cracker, and all of the Star Trek movies. Chicks that hot don’t have video collections like that. The fantasy fell apart right there for me man. I just couldn’t believe it.”

Since the incident, Grozkia has reportedly been frequenting africanassboom.com, possibly due to a renewed interesting in black chicks.

Making Fun of Black Eyed Peas Now Officially as Trite as BEP Themselves

Posted on October 7, 2005

Inglewood, CA — Making fun of hip hop group The Black Eyed Peas has officially been declared trite by hip hop insiders. “‘Behind the Front’ was a good album, even got a little play on the radio and MTV, yea. Then ‘Bridging the Gap’ came out, and yea, it had some pop-shit songs on it, but there were still a few good tracks on there too. Then they got that skinny crackhead to join them and we all kind of realized that it was over for them,” explained Urban Youth record shop owner Ricky “RB” Brent. “JT [Justin Timberlake - Ed.] did that shitty ‘Where is the Love’ song with them, and they blew up. That’s when the commercials started coming in. They everywhere now, they totally sold out.” Indeed, in the past year they or their songs have appeared in commercials for Best Buy, Burger King, Circuit City, Apple’s iPod, Pepsi, the NBA, MTV, and others. “Yea, we called ‘em ‘Whack Eyed Peas’ and joked about how they were selling their souls to the commercials, but at some point, it kinda stopped being funny,” added an Urban Youth patron known only as Toffee. “Even white guys were piling the shit on them.” RB continued, “It was then that we realized, it’s over, BEP isn’t bothered by their obnoxious commercialism, and so saying shit about them don’t matter. Fuck it, man.”

Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.i.am could not be reached for comment, as he was buried under a pile of money.

Area Man Still Believes US Went to War Because of 9/11

Posted on October 2, 2005

Gretna, NE — Local man Joe Granger, to the amazement of others, still believes that the United States went to war in Iraq because Saddam Hussein was directly responsible for the September 11th, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center. “We don’t get it,” said friend Robert Kreinlin. “Even the government has backed away from that position, saying that we’re there to liberate the Iraqis from terror.” Indeed, the reason for going to war has changed, initially from Hussein’s involvement with 9/11, changing to allegations of WMDs, and when those failed to surface, the official position was that the war is for Iraqi liberation. Granger, who by his own admission does not watch much news, said “Well, Bush said that Saddam attacked America, and that’s good enough for me,” before taking another pull from his can of beer. It’s not just his liberal friends that are trying to convince him otherwise; his conservative friends are beginning to worry as well. “Quite frankly, he’s only serving to make us rural conservatives look like dumb hicks.”

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