Guest Column: Steve is Looking out for Steve
Posted on November 24, 2007
Guest columnist Steve Whitaker — World look out, because the world isn’t looking out for you. That’s why Steve is looking out for Steve. That’s right, it’s a brand new Steve and I’m unleashed.
What prompted this change, you might ask. Well I’ll tell you what. Jeff Michelson’s sister, that’s who. Jeff is a senior at my school, and he’s a real fag. He’s always slapping me on the back real hard and calling me Wussaker and reminding me that my mom is hot. Not that I’ve looked. I mean I saw her coming out of the shower once when I was fourteen and I was all “Mom! I’m playing Grand Theft Auto 2, quit walking around naked!” Mom totally knows who’s really in charge of the house. Anyways, one day, Jeff Michelson beat me up after school one day. It was nothing serious, like I have a bunch of bruises and stuff, and my mom thinks I cracked a rib, but whatevs, I’m 17 now which makes me totally a man, so I just take it.
Anyways, his sister, who is a freshman, saw what happened and totally felt bad for me. She invited me over and gave me some Five Alive, then we went up to her room. She’s kind of chunky, but you know, the Steve sometimes likes them that way. We were sitting on her bed, drinking Five Alive and watching My Super Sweet 16, when all of a sudden she took her retainer out and kissed me. I was confused, but Steve is cool and confident, so I put my tongue in her mouth. After a couple of minutes of this I put my hand up her sweater. That’s right, I totally felt a boob. I think she liked this so I reached around to undo her bra. I couldn’t quite reach around her so I had to move a little. And that’s when I found out, bras are hard man! I kept pulling at the clips but I couldn’t get it. Then she heard the garage door opening which meant her mom was home. I had to sneak out the window and run home.
The old Steve was a loser, always getting pushed around. But not the new Steve. Oh no. The new Steve is ready for anything. The new Steve has felt a boob. And when Jeff sees me at school tomorrow, I’m going to tell him. “You might think you can just push me around whenever, but you know what, I’ve felt your sister’s boob. And you hitting me can’t change that.” We’ll see how he likes that!
Filed Under Guest Columns, Humour |
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Well holy crap.
Go Steve!
rock on steve, you should carry a sharp knife and just cut the braws out of your way
Steve - that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. You better go for that chick- five alive can only mean ONE thing.