Old Glory Robot Insurance

Posted on January 31, 2007

Sarah told me about this one so I had to see it. If Sam Waterston sponsor it, it seems worthwhile to me.

Announcement:

Posted on January 30, 2007

I am officially not giving a shit about Windows Vista. That is all.

The Great Avoca Quack-Off

Posted on January 29, 2007

I went to duck races on Saturday. That’s right, fucking duck races. The backstory: Friday night I was perusing the Lincoln group on Flickr when I saw a post about duck races the next day. I had never heard of such a thing, an event that draws people from all over the country here in our own little state? In Avoca too, just in the next county over, so it’s not a far drive. I had to check it out.

I drove out, and found that there were in fact a few hundred people there. I made my way to the bar to get an overpriced can of Budweiser, and to remind myself what it’s like to go to a bar where smoking isn’t prohibited, and is packed with a hundred people. Then it was time for the races. I took all sorts of pictures. They were proud of the crowd that was drawn in, from people as far away as surrounding states. I met some guys from Missouri who asked me to take their picture. And we chatted about cameras for a bit. The announcer was quite proud that there was a girl all the way from Korea competing; she didn’t know the Korean girl’s name though, and so she just called her “Korean girl” the whole time. I’m pretty sure the girl didn’t come all the way to America for a duck contest though, I think she was here for other reasons. Some of the ducks had interesting names like “Quack Whore”, “Shit head”, and my favorite, “Camel Toe”. It was fun to here the announcer lady shouting into the P.A., “Where’s Camel Toe? I don’t see Camel Toe!”.

The duck races started 27 years ago (yes, this was the 27th annual Quack-Off) when a couple of bored guys in the bar decided to see if they could race ducks. The townsfolk really get into it, making costumes and signs and t-shirts and such. It was a party atmosphere, albeit in 25 degree weather. A good time was had by all.

You can see all the pictures on Flickr.

Koalas aren’t hard they some little bitches

Posted on January 24, 2007

In lieu of having something original to post today, I’m going to post something I found on the Something Awful forums. SA Goon Man of Wax works at an educational publishing firm, where they occasionally recieve little tidbits from teachers. According to Man of Wax, This essay was written by an 8th grader in Pittsburgh in the spring of 2004. The assignment was to pick an endangered species, and explain why protecting it is important. The typos and formatting are preserved from the original. To my knowledge, no aspect of the essay has been altered.

Richard XXXXXXXX Draft 2

I shouldn’t do shit. I don’t care about them they all could die and it won’t affect my life. I know a lot about them but I don’t need to think about them. They’re just a waste of time koalas are stupid they don’t help me with shit so why should I help them. If they all die there will be more room for the panthers and all the other hard animals. Koalas are weak a pit will get rid of their whole fucking family. That’s why I don’t like koalas.

Koalas have sharp claws but they are weak. They all small and fat and they be climing trees. I hope a storm just come while theyjust chilling up in the tree thinking they is hard and they’re will all just fall off. They just break they neck and shit. When they fall they claws are going to fall off and they going to be crying like some little bitches.

Koalas aren’t hard they some little bitches. They start climbing up the tree soon as they see a deer from like 50feet away. They stupid as hell they should put their brain in their pouch and put the kid in they ten they’re be able to think better. They try to be in the fucking kangaroo family. They weak as hell, talking bout they got a pouch a kangaroo so they their cousins and shit. Kangaroo’s have some big ass legs and whot do a koala got? Some little ass legs, they tails is little and weak as fuck kangaroo’s got a big ass long tail that can kill a fucking koala.

If a koala goes in the water it won’t be able to breathe with its little short ass. It’d fucking drown soon aas it take one step into the water. While they at the river trying to get something to drink a bear could just come to him and snatch its ass up. It doesn’t know protection because they don’t have protection. What they little ass going to do? It can’t scratch him. The bear will beat his fucking ass.

The important think about koalas is that just don’t care about tem and let them die by all the other animals in Australia. They’re not important just let nature do what it do and kill them. Koalas do not have a place in this world there’s not enough room for all the bitches in this world. So let all the koalas that’s in the zoos and shit. Let them go and put them back with their family. If you let them all go they won’t nothing except for that’s what they was put in this world for. Now you know why koalas aren’t important. They have nothing to do except for sitting around in the trees. It’s like they just was like they was sent have to die. Koalas don’t do nothing to help anybody. Thre would be just one more relative of the kangaroo that will be six feet under. Now you know why koalas are not important because there are dumb.

Movie Review: La Mujer de Mi Hermano

Posted on January 22, 2007

A tale of lust and betrayal coming from Mexico, “La Mujer de Mi Hermano” (”My Brother’s Wife”) was an interesting high drama film that explores the boundaries of love and sexuality. Here’s a plot summary from IMDB:

After almost 10 years of marriage, attractive Zoe discovers that her marriage lacks passion and surprise, and is seduced by the possibility of finding those sensations already forgotten in her husband’s brother. From this premise a series of events lead these three characters to a dangerous game of revenges, secrets and passions. Two brothers and one woman: the triangle is outlined in a disquieting way. It is a bomb that triggers family secrets, the contained rage of desire and the unmanageable power of love. An exciting story that subjugates the viewer from beginning to end.

I’m not sure what subjugating the viewer was supposed to mean, but thanks, anonymous. Zoe, played by the insanely hot Barbara Mori is the wife of vain and uptight Ignacio. Zoe and Ignacio want to have a child, but are unable to concieve. Tired of their lack of a love life, (Ignacio will only have sex with her once a week, on Saturdays) Zoe begins to look to Ignacio’s free-spirited brother Gonzalo. Ignacio comes off as a real prick through out the movie, but he’s in a difficult position, and we soon learn that Gonzalo isn’t all that he seems. As a side not, Gonzalo shoots with a Nikon camera and uses an iBook, so awesome for him. Giving Zoe guidance throughout the movie is her gay friend Boris, who is perhaps a bit over the top, but supportive of her. Beto Cuevas, of Chileno band La Ley (iTunes link) plays a priest who is a friend of Ignacio’s as well.

Filled with lots of very slow camera movements, deep-field focus shots, and dramatic camera angles to create a lot of beautiful shots that build up the seriousness of the film. The love triangle theme is further represented visually throughout the movie, almost every scene in the movie is split into thirds. It’s particularly noticable in Ignacio and Zoe’s stunning house, where there is a blatant grid behind the characters, otherwise one character’s head will fill 1/3rd of the frame while another character, further off, will fill 2/3rds of the frame. These are the things you notice when you learn about design and cinemaphotography.

The movie is interesting in the way it handles each character’s sexuality, and everything is way more fucked up than you realize. The ending was kind of low, overall, and the slowness of the movie means I could only give it three stars. But it’s still worth a rent, so check it out.

View the Trailer.

Singles of the Week: Weather Report and Frail

Posted on January 21, 2007

Weather Report gets picked because I was just listening to “Birdland” through my headphones and realizing how much of a genius Jaco Pastorius was. Yeah, I know, bass players every where jerk off to Jaco albums, but still, I just realized the “guitar solo” in the middle of the song was actually Jaco playing bass and utilizing pinch harmonics. Frikken sweet!

Secondly, I decided to continue the trend of selecting bad metal covers of classic songs. So this week, we have Frail presenting us with David Bowie’s “Space Oddity“. This one’s not so bad, but it does suffer from inadequate production. The guitars are tuned down, as is usual for nu-metal. But it’s missing a lot of fatness, and they pretty much cut out the high end and some of the midrange, leaving the sound kind of flat. It really doesn’t explore the space as well as the song should. Also, they sped up the tempo a bit, removing some of the tension and sadness of the original. But at least the lead singer doesn’t do it in a horrible Cookie Monster metal style, or a bad Bowie impersonation. Which is all we can ask for with a nu-metal remake.

Guest Column: That School Anti-Drug Rally Really Spoke to Me

Posted on January 17, 2007

Guest Columnist Steve Whitaker — Man that rally at school was awesome! I learned that drugs are totally for fags! We got out of fourth period and all went down to the auditorium. Our principal got up on stage and he’s so cool, he has this crazy tie that looks like a skateboard, so he can totally connect with youth. He talked about how drugs are bad and we should never start smoking or using them because it will ruin our lives. Then he introduced these guys, they were called “MC Free and the Tossers”, and they were these jugglers who did these awesome raps about how drugs totally suck! They were throwing these bowling pins around and giving us all these awesome facts. Did you know if you did pot just once, you would become totally addicted? Then MC Free started doing this rap about how we should “Don’t hate, and appreciate/ a drug free life”. Then Trina, this way hot Asian girl told us about how drinking beer makes you have underage pregnancies and babies from single moms turn out to use drugs too. These two guys, Doug and Greg started juggling six balls at once! And then, Todd, this guy in a wheelchair threw two beer bottles in for them to juggle too and they dropped the balls and the bottles and Todd said “That’s what happens when you use drugs. You lose it all.” And after the janitor Jerry swept off the stage Trina and Todd brought a couple of students onto the stage and showed them how to use this sticks that you juggle with, called “devil sticks” and it was totally cool. And then they all got together and did this rap about drinking and drugs and it was over. I’m totally not going to use drugs and I’m gonna learn to juggle too! It was awesome! MC Free signed my Trapper Keeper too!

Movie Review: Thank You For Smoking

Posted on January 15, 2007

Man what a great movie this was. Here’s a plot summary by Jim Beaver at IMDB (again).

Tobacco industry lobbyist Nick Naylor has a seemingly impossible task: promoting cigarette smoking in a time when the health hazards of the activity have become too plain to ignore. Nick, however, revels in his job, using argument and twisted logic to place, as often as not, his clients in the positions of either altruistic do-gooders or victims. Nick’s son Joey needs to understand and respect his dad’s philosophy, and Nick works hard to respond to that need without compromising his lack of values. When a beautiful news reporter betrays Nick’s sexually-achieved trust, his world seems in danger of collapsing. But there’s always one more coffin nail in Nick’s pack.

The movie was pretty much driven by Naylor, played by relatively unknown Aaron Eckhart. Eckhart does an excellent job as the seemingly untouchable smooth talking spinmaster. Very few scenes in the movie go without him, and he provides the narration to the movie as well. The cast is rounded out by some great character actors, including J.K. Simmons (Spiderman’s J. Jonah Jameson, who to me will never sound right unless he’s voiced by Ed Asner, as in the cartoon series) as Nick’s direct boss, Robert Duvall as The Captain, an aging and possibly not-altogether there big tobacco executive, William H. Macy (Fargo, State and Main) as a liberal senator with a vendetta against the cigarette companies and Naylor in particular, Sam Elliot (who is awesome in pretty much everything he does) as the emphysema-ridden Marloboro Man, and Rob Lowe (The West Wing, Tommy Boy) as a Japan-obsessed Hollywood heavy.

Visually, the movie is fantastic. They hired a great team of graphic designers to put the movie together, the title credits alone had me giggling with glee. Macy’s character wants a government mandated skull and crossbones with the word “poison” underneath put on every pack of cigarettes; the unspoken problem with this is that the logo looks really cool. There’s lots of cool little signs and graphics throughout the movie. The soundtrack (iTunes link) is a mix of old songs from the forties, fifties, and sixties about smoking and cigarettes, and the movie’s own score.

The movie is a look into the world of lobbyists, and particular the Merchants of Death (Naylor for the tobacco industry, and his two friends that represent the liquor industry and the firearms industry). At no point does it really portray big tobacco in a firmly positive light, instead skirting the issue much like the tobacco lobby itself. Much of the movie espouses a vaguely libertarian position that it is up to each of us to make the decision to smoke or not to smoke.

One thing about the movie that I found absolutely fantastic was a big plot twist that happens about halfway through the movie. In the push to get movies to the coveted number one spot, studios reveal pretty much everything about the movie in the advertising push. I’ve always thought that it would be much better to be surprised by what’s going to happen. However, this particular plot twist wasn’t revealed in the promotion of the movie. Which I think is great. That, in combination with the awesomeness of the rest of the movie, means I give it four stars. Worth a buy.

Get the trailer here.

Singles of the Week: The Decemberists (once again…) and Steely Dan

Posted on January 14, 2007

First off, I know that I’m just another indie rock jerkoff cumming all over himself over the Decemberists, but fuck, man, The Crane Wife was one of the best albums that came out in 2006. Anyways, today’s SotWs are related, somewhat. Our first one is “The Perfect Crime #2“. The lyrics are a masterpiece on this one.

Secondly is a classic by yacht rockers Steely Dan, “Do It Again“. Listening to this after listening to “The Perfect Crime #2″, you can pick up the influences that Steely Dan had on The Decemberists for that song. Sweet deal.

Well F Me

Posted on January 12, 2007

A bill has been put forth before the state legislature to change the state song. I always thought the state song was “There Is No Place Like Nebraska” but apparently I was wrong. Anyways. In order to update the state’s image a little, they want to use this little country ditty:

Yeah. How about that. You like that don’tcha? I basically ripped this story from Beerorkid and because he is a state employee he feels he cannot speak on the issue with impartiality, and although I don’t know for sure, but I’m assuming I can speak for him when I say I’m going to go stab my eyes and ears out now.

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