Guest Column: I am a Platonic Man Whore

Guest Columnist Joe Park — I know what you’re thinking. You take a look at me and think “A guy like Joe, he must be swimming in pussy. He must be getting so much snatch that he has to dress up in a big blue furry suit and call himself the Nookie Monster.” But no dude, I’m afraid it ain’t quite so. In fact, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I am a platonic man whore. And trust me, it’s not fun bro’.

I’m sorta seeing four chicks right now. Sorta. I know, you would imagine I would be getting all kinds of play off of these chicks, and it’s okay for you to imagine that dogg, but it’s not entirely true. This one chick, Stacy. She all talks about how she wants the Joester, and who could blame her, ya know? But she’s got this other guy that she’s kinda with. From what I hear he’s a total d-bagg, but for some reason she can’t reason up and realize that she needs yours truly to give her what she needs. It’s a sad situation for her I know.

And meanwhile, there’s this other chick Lois, that’s totally into me as well. We’ve done some heavy petting, don’t get me wrong. But I have yet to penetrate her inner fortresses, if you catch my drift. Every time I head down south she gets all freaked out about her promise to God ‘n’ junk. Well you know what? The Joemeister talked to God last night and Jesus wants me to see your holy garden and send you to heaven baby. So meanwhile, I’m stuck listening to stories about the funny thing some old lady said at her bible study group.

But don’t worry, Joe’s got more chicks that aren’t giving it up like they should be. Shirley is this totally hot black chick. I keep telling her that we could make an awesome little Tiger Woods baby, and that we should start practicing now. But whenever I bring it up, she just laughs and says “Joe you’re so funny!” It ain’t a joke Shirley, Joe wants to swirl a little spicy cream in your cafe-au-lait.

Finally there’s Jessica. I called her up after my frat bro’ Jeff said she was totally easy. Well Jeff’s an ass ‘cuz Jessica’s nookie is locked up tighter than a bank vault whenever J-to-tha-Izzo comes around. Whenever I try to get comfortable with her she just complains about this guy in her home town that took advantage of her or whatever. And I’m like “Honey, it’s okay. Joe is here to make everything better with a little sexual healing.” I even tried to get her drunk once, but she just cried all night. I thought I was definitely in there before that all happened; I had to excuse myself to the bathroom for a little mano-a-Josecito, if you know what I mean.

And if you see any of these chicks, don’t tell ‘em I said anything. They sorta don’t know about each other, and the last thing I need is another two hours of having to listen to some broad cry about how shitty guys are and shit. Plus I think Stacy might open up any time soon for business. Don’t worry about Joe, there’s always a new plate of Poontang, and I brought my spoon and napkin.

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